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Articles from The Onion

RSS feedDisplaying articles 1 - 10 of most recent articles

Lovestruck Arabian Princess Begs Father To Spare John Kerrys Life KINGDOM OF GOLDEN SANDS—Throwing herself in front of her beloved U.S. secretary of state as the royal executioner raised his scimitar, Princess Amirah of Arabia reportedly begged her father the sultan Friday to spare John Kerry’s life.
The Onion | Apr 17, 2015 2:34 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend
Lethal Injection Least Effective Drugs Man Took While In Prison FLORENCE, AZ—Noting that the purity and reliability were significantly lower, sources at Arizona’s Florence State Prison confirmed that the lethal injection compounds given to convicted murderer Joseph Danvers III in the early morning hours Fr
The Onion | Apr 17, 2015 2:28 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend
American Voices: Financial Date Nights Can Benefit Couples In his book The Couple’s Guide To Financial Compatibility, financial advisor Jeff Motske writes that spouses should have date nights to discuss issues like taxes, kids’ tuition, and home improvements to avoid fighting over money.
The Onion | Apr 17, 2015 1:00 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend
Left Fielder Thinking About The Ways A Triple Play Could End With Him SAN DIEGO—Racking his brain for every conceivable sequence of events that could potentially happen on a baseball field, team sources confirmed that San Diego Padres left fielder Justin Upton spent most of Wednesday night’s game against the Ari
The Onion | Apr 16, 2015 3:41 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend
Infographic: Corporate Wellness Programs Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.
The Onion | Apr 16, 2015 2:44 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend
American Voices: Study Links Facebook To Depression A new study has found that people who use Facebook are more likely to report feelings of depression, most likely due to the phenomenon of “social comparison” in which people weigh the average moments in their own lives against the “highl
The Onion | Apr 16, 2015 1:00 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend
Interpol Admits 89% Of Its Cases Involve Finding, Recovering The Mona Lisa PARIS—Shortly after returning Leonardo da Vinci’s most famous portrait to its home at the Louvre for the second time this week, Interpol officials admitted Wednesday that a full 89 percent of its work involves locating and recovering the Mo...
The Onion | Apr 15, 2015 5:03 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend
Infographic: Budget Wedding Tips With Americans still feeling the effects of the recession, many engaged couples are looking for ways to save money on their wedding by holding a smaller ceremony, hunting for deals, and more.
The Onion | Apr 15, 2015 1:47 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend
Mom Scared For NHL Players Without Visors BEMIDJI, MN—Visibly horrified as she listed off numerous ways in which they could easily get hurt, local mother Anne Hendrickson expressed grave concern Monday for NHL players who don’t wear visors on their helmets.
The Onion | Apr 15, 2015 1:44 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend
Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money
The Onion | Apr 15, 2015 1:42 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend