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Articles from The Onion

RSS feedDisplaying articles 1 - 10 of most recent articles

2-Year-Old Never Thought He Would Live To See Giants Win World Series SAN FRANCISCO—Joyously celebrating after his hometown team defeated the Kansas City Royals to clinch the championship, local 2-year-old Daniel Balane admitted to reporters Wednesday night that he never thought he would actually see the San Francisco
The Onion | 8 hours, 48 minutes ago | comment? | recommend
Empty Streets In Kansas City Not Necessarily Indicative Of Royals World Series Game Being On Empty Streets In Kansas City Not Necessarily Indicative Of Royals World Series Game Being On
The Onion | 12 hours, 11 minutes ago | comment? | recommend
Street Harasser Haunted By Woman Who Got Away With Dignity Intact CHICAGO—Regretting his failure to take advantage of the perfect opportunity, local street harasser Jason Foster told reporters Wednesday that he continues to be haunted by the woman who got away with her dignity intact.
The Onion | 15 hours, 51 minutes ago | comment? | recommend
Traumatized Nation Terrified To Make Its Voice Heard In Another Election WASHINGTON—Citing decades of repeated indignities and post-electoral trauma, Americans from across the political spectrum reported Wednesday that they were terrified at the prospect of making their voices heard in another nationwide vote. The U.S. e
The Onion | 16 hours, 27 minutes ago | comment? | recommend
American Voices: Pope Francis: Evolution Is Not Inconsistent With God Pope Francis told one of the Vatican’s scientific academies that the theory of evolution is not inconsistent with the notion of God, saying that God is not a magician “with a magic wand able to do everything.” What do you think?
The Onion | 16 hours, 30 minutes ago | comment? | recommend
Bears GM Hoping To Motivate Jay Cutler With More Guaranteed Money CHICAGO—Saying that the organization feels compelled to light a fire under its struggling quarterback, Chicago Bears general manager Phil Emery told reporters Wednesday that he is hoping to motivate Jay Cutler by offering him even more guaranteed mo
The Onion | 16 hours, 53 minutes ago | comment? | recommend
[video] ONN Exclusive: Fire-Ninja Inferno Becomes First Openly Gay Fatal Melee Fighter He’s crushed skulls in the Under Realm. He’s ripped out the spines of his enemies. But ruthless up-and-comer Inferno says coming out was the most difficult thing he’s ever done.
The Onion | 17 hours, 56 minutes ago | comment? | recommend
Delicate Little Man Kept Awake All Night By Having Coffee After Four OClock GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Tossing and turning way past his beddy-bye, delicate little man Jeremy Palazola was reportedly unable to sleep Tuesday night because he drank a teensy bit of coffee after four o’clock.
The Onion | 18 hours, 18 minutes ago | comment? | recommend
Restaurant Patrons Rapidly Losing Faith Parents Going To Do Something About 4-Year-Old SARATOGA, CA—Casting numerous glances at the table of three, patrons at Gallo’s Italian Restaurant were said to be rapidly losing faith Monday that a nearby couple would do something about their 4-year-old son.
The Onion | 18 hours, 20 minutes ago | comment? | recommend
How Ebola Quarantine Works The Onion – America's Finest News Source
The Onion | 18 hours, 21 minutes ago | comment? | recommend