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Articles from The Onion

RSS feedDisplaying articles 1 - 10 of most recent articles

Nation Longs For One More Day With Dying Manufacturing Sector WASHINGTON—Yearning for a chance to find some kind of closure and say goodbye, the U.S. populace told reporters this week that they longed for just one more day with the nation’s dying manufacturing sector. Americans across the country confirm
The Onion | 5 hours, 19 minutes ago | comment? | recommend
American Voices: Louisiana Restaurant Offering 10% Discount To Diners Carrying Guns According to local news stations, a cajun restaurant in Port Allen, LA called Bergeron’s is offering diners a 10 percent discount off their meals if they show waitstaff that they are carrying a gun.
The Onion | 5 hours, 33 minutes ago | comment? | recommend
American Voices: People Bending iPhones At Apple Stores Videos are surfacing online of people going into Apple stores and trying to bend the new iPhone 6 Plus to prove that it’s possible, drawing criticism from internet commenters accusing them of being idiots.
The Onion | Sep 30, 2014 7:02 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend
Man Hates Being Put In Position Where He Has To Think, Feel, Or Act AMARILLO, TX—Bemoaning the burdensome expectations regularly placed upon him by his family, friends, coworkers, and even strangers, local 38-year-old Howard Ridley expressed discomfort Tuesday with the number of situations in which he is asked to th
The Onion | Sep 30, 2014 6:22 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend
50 Years Of Climate Change, Habitat Loss Somehow Unable To Take Down Goddamned Parrotfish SEATTLE—Saying that the species has thus far defied all scientific projections, stunned officials from the Marine Conservation Institute announced Tuesday that the past half century of climate change and habitat loss somehow hasn’t managed to
The Onion | Sep 30, 2014 4:00 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend
Opinion: Im Sorry, But Youre Just Not The Man I Hoped You Would Become When We Got Married Read full story for latest details.
The Onion | Sep 30, 2014 3:40 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend
Onion Poll: Do You Believe Spanking Is An Appropriate Punishment For Children? The Onion – America's Finest News Source
The Onion | Sep 30, 2014 3:32 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend
Report: Consumer Confidence In Amorphous, Indefinable Idea Of Economy Highest Since 2006 ANN ARBOR, MI—According to a report published Tuesday by the University of Michigan, Americans’ confidence in the nebulous, vastly complex concept of the U.S.
The Onion | Sep 30, 2014 3:10 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend
Man Always Taking Good Mood Out On Friends NORFOLK, VA—Saying how difficult it is to be around him when he’s unable to get a handle on his emotions, frustrated friends of local man James Melrose complained Tuesday that the 26-year-old is constantly taking his good mood out on them.
The Onion | Sep 30, 2014 3:10 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend
Family Fears Grandmother Aware Of Her Surroundings BEDFORD, NH—Acknowledging a look in her eyes that sometimes makes them think she may actually be registering things, the family of local grandmother Janice Humphries expressed anxiety Tuesday that the 93-year-old nursing home resident might be aware
The Onion | Sep 30, 2014 3:00 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend