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Articles from The Onion

RSS feedDisplaying articles 1 - 10 of most recent articles

American Voices: Madonna Pulled Off Stage By Too-Tight Armani Matador Cape Madonna tumbled off stage at last night’s BRIT Awards when a backup dancer pulled on her Armani matador cape, which was supposed to come off but was tied too tightly.
The Onion | 9 hours, 40 minutes ago | comment? | recommend
American Voices: KFC Introduces Edible Coffee Cups In The U.K. KFC locations in the U.K. have introduced edible coffee cups called Scoff-ee cups that are “wrapped in sugar paper and lined with a layer of glorious white chocolate." What do you think?
The Onion | 9 hours, 44 minutes ago | comment? | recommend
Once-Loyal Enabler Betrays Man By Suggesting Therapy ANN ARBOR, MI—After years of faithfully supporting every bad decision he made, a formerly dependable enabler of local man Ken Vatter reportedly betrayed him Thursday by casually suggesting he see a therapist about his problems.
The Onion | 11 hours, 6 minutes ago | comment? | recommend
Arne Duncan Spends Visit To Local Elementary School Looking At UFO Books In Library WASHINGTON—Saying the cabinet official could be heard periodically muttering exclamations of surprise and amazement, sources at Harriet Tubman Elementary School told reporters that Education Secretary Arne Duncan spent the entirety of his visit Thur
The Onion | 11 hours, 20 minutes ago | comment? | recommend
Catching Up On 2 Seasons Of House Of Cards Depressingly Manageable SOMERVILLE, MA—Noting that he only needs to watch 26 full episodes of the political drama, local man Ben Atwell revealed Thursday that catching up on the previous two seasons of the Netflix show House Of Cards should be depressingly manageable.
The Onion | 12 hours, 31 minutes ago | comment? | recommend
Bench Players Given Some Time In First Quarter Of Game Against Knicks BOSTON—Stressing that it was a good opportunity for younger members of the team to get some valuable experience, Boston Celtics head coach Brad Stevens reportedly removed his starters and put in bench players during the first quarter of Wednesday ni
The Onion | 13 hours, 32 minutes ago | comment? | recommend
Authorities Demolish Capitol Building That Was Site Of Gruesome 113th Congressional Session WASHINGTON—Saying this was an important first step in helping their community heal, local authorities in Washington, D.C.
The Onion | 13 hours, 33 minutes ago | comment? | recommend
Study: Boyfriends Who Arent Speaking Are Thinking About Ending Relationship 90% Of Time CHAPEL HILL, NC—Confirming that the average boyfriend’s thoughts immediately turn to the subject during any period of silence, a study released Thursday by the University of North Carolina found that whenever a boyfriend isn’t speaking,
The Onion | 13 hours, 59 minutes ago | comment? | recommend
American Voices: U.K. To Allow 3-Parent Babies The British Parliament has approved a new IVF technique that uses the process of mitochondrial transfer to produce a baby with the DNA of a father and two mothers, which would allow women with certain genetic mutations to have children.
The Onion | 15 hours, 21 minutes ago | comment? | recommend
Report: Only 40% Of Celebrities End Up Marrying Their Stalkers LOS ANGELES—Revealing that the success of such relationships is far less certain than typically assumed, a report released Wednesday by UCLA’s Department of Sociology found that only 40 percent of celebrities ultimately end up marrying their s
The Onion | 16 hours, 42 minutes ago | comment? | recommend