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Articles from The Onion

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Sports News in Brief: SportsCenter Co-Anchors Clearly Dating BRISTOL, CTSaying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently da
The Onion | Jul 1, 2015 2:35 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend
News in Brief: Female Friend Group Fails In One Duty Of Providing Good Gynecologist Recommendation CHICAGOCompletely embarrassing themselves in a pitiful display of collective ineptitude, a group of five female friends who gathered for happy hour Monday reportedly failed in their sole duty of providing a recommendation for a good gynecologist when aske
The Onion | Jul 1, 2015 2:33 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend
News in Brief: Scientists Find Human Vocal Cords Developed Over Millennia To Lower Voice When Speculating On Acquaintances Sexual Orientation MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIATracing the unique behavior back to the dawn of civilization, researchers at Monash University announced Wednesday that lowering ones voice to discuss a persons sexual orientation is a physiological trait that evolved in humans over th
The Onion | Jul 1, 2015 2:31 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend
News in Brief: Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar TACOMA, WABursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Caseys Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported. One second I was having a pleasant
The Onion | Jul 1, 2015 05:00 AM [GMT] | comment? | recommend
Horoscope: Your Horoscopes Week Of June 30, 2015 Read full story for latest details.
The Onion | Jun 30, 2015 1:54 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend
Sports News in Brief: No One Seems To Know Guy Leaning Against Batting Cages Giving Hitting Advice MADISON, WISaying that he is constantly offering words of encouragement and various pointers on maintaining a proper stance, sources confirmed Tuesday that no one at Damens Sports Complex appears to know a middle-aged man leaning against the batting cages
The Onion | Jun 30, 2015 1:50 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend
News in Brief: Hundreds Of Cheap, Generic Doorstops Flood Market After DoorBlocker Patent Runs Out DETROITFree to produce generic versions of the product after DoorBlockers 20-year patent ran out last month, hundreds of businesses have begun distributing cheap, off-brand doorstops to retail outlets nationwide, industry analysts confirmed Tuesday. Now t
The Onion | Jun 30, 2015 1:48 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend
News: Researchers Say Virgin Mary Actually Gods Second Choice To Bear Son NEW HAVEN, CTIn a startling discovery that sheds new light on the woman Christians revere as the mother of their Lord and Savior, researchers at Yale Divinity School announced Monday that the Blessed Virgin Mary was in fact Gods second choice to bear His
The Onion | Jun 30, 2015 1:46 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend
News in Brief: New Extended Paternity Leave Offers Dads More Time To Lose Colleagues Respect POTOMAC, MDProviding male employees with an alternative to the standard one or two weeks off, executives from investment firm Wyndham Capital announced Tuesday that the company had begun offering extended paternity leave to any new fathers wanting more ti
The Onion | Jun 29, 2015 5:06 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend
Slideshow: The Week In Pictures Week Of June 29, 2015 Read full story for latest details.
The Onion | Jun 29, 2015 3:38 PM [GMT] | comment? | recommend